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| 1 | TV question: Does Gillian Anderson have Botox so she can keep a straight face delivering her The X-Files (1993) lines? |
| 2 | Separated at birth: David Cameron and Odo, one a shape-changing alien whose natural form is jelly; the other a character from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993). |
| 3 | I started compiling a Top Ten Worst TV Comedians, but there are so many I've had to split it in two: 1) Stephen Fry, a lazy luvvy oozing smugness; find one laugh out loud Fry joke and I'll buy you a pint. 2) Lenny Henry - terrific on Tiswas; has coasted on empty ever since. 3) Michael McIntyre - great delivery, no jokes. 4) David Baddiel - okay with Rob Newman and Frank Skinner but as a solo performer he's never ever been funny. 5) Jo Brand - must be the Green Party favourite, she's recycled the same three gags for 25 years. 6) Marcus Brigstocke - another gratingly gobby public school rebel with a checklist of tiresome right-on opinions. 7) John Bishop - started well, but fizzled out quickly; the funniest thing about his act is that as his material gets weaker, his accent gets stranger. 8) Miles Jupp - cos TV comedy just isn't posh enough. 9) Eddie Izzard - all style, no substance. 10) Miranda Hart - big woman falls over, repeat ad nauseum. Tune back next week to see which Russell makes the list. LAST week I asked which Russell would make my second Worst TV Comics list. Trick question - it's all of them. Here are the next ten fraudulent funsters: 1) Stephen K. Amos - the antidote to laughter; his material is limper than an octogenarian vicar's handshake. 2) Phill Jupitus - Quadrophobia was as funny as a puncture on a scooter run. 3) Russell Kane. You don't like your Dad. We get it. Move on. 4) Sue Perkins and her hilarious catchphrase, "Bake!" FFS! 5) Seann Walsh. Nice hair, shame about the act. 6) Russell Howard - wonky-eyed PC berk; women want to mother him, I'd add an "s". 7) David Walliams - vain and over-rated; the self-adoring Walliams was easily the worst thing about Little Britain. 8) Richard Ayoade - one-trick-pony actor, often mistaken for a comic by clueless TV bookers. 9) Katy Brand - jollier than Jo but just as useless. 10) Russell Brand, so steeped in hypocrisy and self-importance no-one notices his legacy of flop TV shows. If he's really a pop culture Messiah, let's hope he's born-again with a funny bone. APOLOGY: I have recently published two Top Tens of TV's Worst Comedians. I understand that these lists may have caused offence which I deeply regret. I'd like to solemnly and sincerely apologise to Rufus Hound, Alan Davies and Omid Djalili for leaving them out. |
| 4 | The Great British Baking Show (2010) kept up its fine innuendo quota with Ali confiding "I think I know someone who is going to have a soggy bottom" - which I believe was also Stephen Fry's chat-up line. |
| 5 | The real highlight of watching The X Factor (2004)? Ordering a pizza and realizing a previous winner is delivering it. |
| 6 | Rachel Riley admits "I've always been clumsy". She's certainly helped spill a lot of seed. |
| 7 | Separated at birth: Big Brother's Vicky Entwistle and Chucky from Child's Play (1988) - one a scowling red-haired horror, the other a puppet. |
| 8 | If you enjoyed Bodyshock: The Man with the 10-Stone Testicles (2013) don't miss the follow-up, The Woman With The Six Foot Vagina, also known as the Richard & Judy story. |
| 9 | Separated at birth: Hercule Poirot and Zebedee, one a short-arsed mustachioed irritant who pops up when you're least expecting him, the other a character from The Magic Roundabout. |
| 10 | The difference between Annie the Elephant and Fern Britton: one's a lumbering, saggy-skinned jumbo who's been put out to grass. The other one's an elephant. |
| 11 | Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys inside a giant egg. Why didn't Madonna think of that? She was always over-easy. |
| 12 | EastEnders (1985) - like "Dickens for today", we're told; yeah, Bleak Ahse. |
| 13 | Separated at birth: Aggie the baby from _Nanny McPhee_ and Al Murray? One a bald, noisy and full of wind. The other a small child... |
| 14 | Random Irritations: Phil Schofield, the TV equivalent of smog - wet, grey, gets everywhere but serves no useful purpose. |
| 15 | Is Oral Sex Safe? (2011), asked Ray Winstone's daughter Jaime? Yes it is - providing your Dad doesn't find out. Is it safe? If in doubt, fellas, send a canary down first. |
| 16 | Separated at birth: Ian Hislop and world's smallest man 'Well' Huang Kaijang - one a tiny, balding irritant with an unpopular organ, the other a Chinaman. |
| 17 | The Wizard Of Oz characters included one with no heart, one with no brain, and one with no courage. Put 'em together and you've got BBC1's Head of Light Entertainment. |
| 18 | BBC boss Mark Thompson claimed he was making big cuts by axing a couple of fringe radio stations. It was like a fat bloke saying he'll lose weight by picking his nose. |
| 19 | Germaine Greer told BBC4 about Skippy, a dumb but endearing grey creature making unintelligible noises... and Skippy wasn't much better. |
| 20 | [on Phillip Schofield] This creep has been getting away with his nice guy act for years, but every now and then the mask slips and you spot the satanic intensity in his eyes. If his path to stardom hasn't involved the selling of his soul, then Sinitta wasn't robbed on Sunday... |
| 21 | Small Joys of TV: Nigel 'down with the kids' Lythgoe mentioning Wilson Keppel and Betty - either a 1930s sand dancing act or the firm of solicitors he's brought in to sue his gag-writer. |
| 22 | Piers Morgan presented I Dreamed a Dream: The Susan Boyle Story (2009), the moving tale of how an unloved, bizarre-looking, socially awkward loser got to host a show about Susan Boyle. |
| 23 | Kate Moss says: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Yeah? Well nothing tastes as bad as anorexia looks. |
| 24 | Gary Glitter put the fun and the exuberance back into pop at a time when we really needed it because rock had got very self-important and very up itself and arty and taken itself too seriously, and the whole Glitter movement came along and a great explosion of fun and energy. |
| 25 | The Children In Need trailers urge us to 'Do something different'. Let's hope they follow their own advice and make it entertaining. |
| 26 | On Corrie, Joe struggled to tart up a rough old boat. No point. Gail's looked like that for years. |
| 27 | RIP Ramsay Clegg. The poor soul popped his clogs on the long flight back to Australia. Yeah, he died of boredom watching a playback of his own Coronation Street (1960) scenes. |
| 28 | [on Desperate Romantics (2009)] The Art establishment hates them, but the Bruvs get powerful critic John Ruskin on their side. He's fearless in the gallery but useless in the bedroom. (For another critic with a flaccid column, see Ian Hyland.) |
| 29 | Gordon Brown has been photographed in front of a swastika in Lewisham. The image has been condemned as shocking and insulting. "It is wrong for us to be linked to such a blithering totalitarian control freak," said a Nazi. |
| 30 | In Compulsion (2008), a beautiful young woman found sexual fulfillment with a rather seedy middle-aged Londoner with a beer-gut. Girls, let that be a lesson to you. |
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